Thread: HOLY HUMOR

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  1. #11  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

    Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

    When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama.

    Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

    Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and that ******* Obama took $95.00 in taxes.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #12  
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    The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

    In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
    Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
    Then God made the world.
    He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
    Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
    Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
    Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

    After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
    Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

    God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
    Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
    During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
    Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
    Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #13  
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    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

    And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    'You missed the freekin' putt, didn't you?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #14  
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    Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
    In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

    Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

    To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

    This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  5. #15  
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    Hoodies at the Pearly Gates

    Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black guys wearing hoodies arrive. Saint Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

    Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you.... you can’t be racist and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”

    Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well they’re gone.”

    “The guys wearing hoodies?'” asked God.

    “No. The Pearly Gates”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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