Or that don't move fast enough to get away.
Originally Posted by noonwitch
The article had a description of the incident, which is both horrific and hysterically funny.
Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John's staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John's he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”
Investigators estimate that the items “used and/or taken” were worth between $1000 and $2000. However, cops added, the merchandise “could not be resold and were thrown away as they had bodily fluid on them.”
After being read his rights, Perales reportedly confessed to the heist. “Some of the taken items were located in his residence along with the clothing he was wearing the night of the burglary,” reported investigators. (1 page)
It also included a photo of the perp (from the neck up, thankfully). I think that anyone who had to view the security camera footage needs immediate treatment for PTSD.