Hiding from the U.S. government and media need not involve smearing one's self with mud.
by Oleg Atbashian
February 25, 2013 - 6:24 pm
Al-Qaeda operatives: forget about that list of 22 crude anti-drone tactics discovered in an abandoned building in Mali. If those tactics had been genuinely useful, why did al-Qaeda leave there?
Granted, rubbing a mixture of mud and sugar on yourself and your vehicles could make you partially invisible to the next drone — but wouldn’t the wiser tactic be to become completely invisible to the entire U.S. government and mass media altogether?
All it takes is learning a few useful facts about the American political establishment: these 22 alternative tips will help you avoid detection, generally by encouraging Washington to either pretend you don’t even exist or to alter your public image until you become unrecognizable — even to yourself.
Alternative Tips for Avoiding U.S. Drone Strikes
These 22 tips for avoiding drones by al Qaeda came from several People’s Cube writers and appeared on Twitter under the hashtags #AlQaedaTipsToAvoidDrones and #TipsForDodgingDrones.
- Join the church where Al Sharpton is a preacher. No one knows where it is.
- If you can’t find it, join the church Obama frequents.
- If you can’t find that: register as a Republican Senate candidate from New York, New Jersey, or California.
- Get a federal “green energy” loan, then declare bankruptcy. The U.S. government will cover for you.
- Proclaim you are a victim of black-on-black crime. The media will render you invisible.
- Come out as a black conservative. The media will render you unrecognizable.
- If you are a woman: confess that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy once propositioned you.
- Hide in the back of a Massachusetts senator’s submerged car. It will buy you at least a few hours.
- Become a member of Obama’s Job Council.
- Insert yourself in the next 2,000-page bill.
- Sell birth control in the vicinity of Sandra Fluke’s residence.
- “Hi, I’m Jon Huntsman.”
- Pretend you’re a salad; the first lady won’t spot you.
- Never walk in New York holding a 16oz Styrofoam soda cup.
- Never drink from a bottle of water in front of a camera. This will interest U.S. media 24/7 for days.
- Get in line at the DMV or another government office.
- Impersonate an American taxpayer.
- Hide in plain sight in Benghazi.
- Camp out at Obama’s shooting range; no one is ever there.
- Stay where Obama keeps his college transcripts, U.S. passport records, or financial records. You will never be disclosed.
- Set up in one of Chicago’s highest murder-rate zones. A truckload of fighters with RPGs will go undetected.
- Hold a sign, preferably bilingual, declaring a “Drone-Free Zone.”
Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from Ukraine, currently lives in New York. He is the creator of ThePeoplesCube.com, a satirical website where he writes under the name of Red Square. He is the author of recently published Shakedown Socialism.