I realize you wrote that you are asking this "out of curiosity" ... and hope that you are being sincere about that. If not ...
Being one of what Rush calls the "seasoned citizens" in here, my advice would be to discuss this with your friends back in RL and/or a member of the clergy.
What you are asking, is rather personal and doing it online in this forum is not the best way to find answers.
Then again, if simply curious, have fun!