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  1. #1 THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

    ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

    I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

    IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

    IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

    IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

    WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

    WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

    IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

    WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

    WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

    IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

    CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

    IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

    WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

    HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

    WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

    DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (Think about it)!!

    DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

    HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

    IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

    IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

    IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

    WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

    WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

    WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

    WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

    IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

    CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

    WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #2  
    Senior Member Molon Labe's Avatar
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    Good stuff.

    Reminds me of the jokes Mitch Hedberg used to tell.
    Gun Control: The theory that a woman found dead in an alley, raped and strangled with her panty hose, is somehow morally superior to a woman explaining to police how her attacker got that fatal bullet wound - Unknown


    The problem is Empty People, Not Loaded Guns - Linda Schrock Taylor
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