Thread: CANADIAN JOKEs

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  1. #1 CANADIAN JOKEs 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    # 1
    After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona ." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
    The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
    The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
    The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

    #2
    A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

    #3
    An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
    "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.."
    He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
    He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

    #4
    Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

    #5
    In Canada , we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

    #6
    One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

    #7
    A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
    "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
    "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.

    #8
    An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
    "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
    "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
    "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

    -----------------

    Received from my man in CAL-GREE today.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  2. #2  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    12 NEW rules for entering Alberta:

    1. Bring your own house.

    2. If going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school and hospital.

    3. If going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada.

    4. If driving to Edmonton, it is also the auto theft center of Canada.

    5. If you are bringing drugs, head to Fort MacMurray, the drug capital of Canada.

    6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $5.60/hour.

    7. If you work downtown, parking costs $5.00/hour.

    8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton, or Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

    9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. We have the highest gas prices in Canada. The Alberta Advantage.

    10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.

    11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.

    ---------------------------------------------

    I don't write'm, i just pass'm on.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  3. #3  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN CALGARY:

    1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "CAL-GREE".

    2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

    3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered "Wussy".

    4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, Hamptons , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

    5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

    6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

    7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary .. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.

    8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

    9. 16th Ave, TransCanada, and "Hwy #1" are the same road.

    10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

    11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

    12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.

    --------------------------------------

    Been there twice - in the summer. Loved it.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.
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  4. #4  
    Senior Member ReinMan's Avatar
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    Hah! I love it!

    Just one correction, and two additions...

    1. Our two seasons are actually called 'Winter', and 'July'...

    2. Why do Canadians like to 'do it' doggystyle? So we can both watch the hockey game!

    3. What does American beer have in common with sex in a canoe? Both are f***ing close to water.
    We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge or gallantry would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution is designed only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate for any other.
    In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

    ~John Adams
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  5. #5  
    Senior Member ReinMan's Avatar
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    And one more....

    Three Canadians, one from Ontario, one from Alberta, and one from Quebec are walking in the snowy woods when they find an old oil lamp.

    After wiping the snow off, a genie appears, saying "You've released me! You get three wishes! Hmmmm. There's three of you, so you get one each."

    Says the the Quebecer, "I want Quebec to be for the French Canadians only. Can you move all the anglos out, and put all the French Canadians in Quebec?"

    "Done," says the genie.

    The Ontario guy asks, "All the frogs in Quebec? No anglos at all?"

    "Yup."

    "Put a wall around all of Quebec so nothing can get in or out, like 500 feet high."

    "Done."

    Guy from Alberta thinks for a second or two, then asks, "All the French Canadians in Quebec?"

    The genie nods.

    "Five hundred foot wall all the way around? Nothing in or out?"

    The genie nods.

    "Fill it with water."

    "Done."
    We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge or gallantry would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution is designed only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate for any other.
    In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

    ~John Adams
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  6. #6  
    Senior Member Arroyo_Doble's Avatar
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    Canadians could have had the best of everything; French food, British tradition, and American technology. Instead, they chose French technology, American tradition, and British food.
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