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  1. #11  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Going To A Lecture

    After the big office party, Dan was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

    ''I'm on my way to a lecture,'' answered Dan.
    ''And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time, four o'clock in the morning '' inquired the constable sarcastically.

    ''My wife,'' slurred Dan grimly.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  2. #12  
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    Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

    "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

    "Really? How'd you do that?"

    "I dropped the ball."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  3. #13  
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    Sometimes being retired is a real pain.

    You're sitting around doing nothing and somebody comes along and interrupts your train of thought.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  4. #14  
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    A Priest And A Rabbi Buy A Car

    The Rabbi walks out and sees the Priest sprinkling water over the hood. "What are you doing?" Asked the Rabbi.

    "I'm blessing the car," said the Priest.

    "Oh, as long as we're doing THAT..."

    The Rabbi walked into the garage, comes back with a hacksaw, and cuts 2 inches off of the tailpipe.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  5. #15  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    The greatest thing about growing old together is your eyesight deteriorates at the same rate as your appearance.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  6. #16  
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    Inevitably it has happened. An automatic teller was robbed by a robot who escaped on a drone.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  7. #17  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a bathrobe before you start looking like a mental patient.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  8. #18  
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    Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I.







    (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
    Reply With Quote  
     

  9. #19  
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    A Blind Bunny Meets A Blind Snake

    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

    “Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

    “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

    “Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

    The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

    The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  10. #20  
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    When I die

    The other day I told my wife that if I died before she did, I wanted her to sell all my stuff.

    “Why would I do that?” she asked.

    “Because,” I said, “you’ll eventually remarry, and I don’t want some idiot touching my stuff.”

    She said, “What makes you think I’d marry another idiot?”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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