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  1. #1 From another angle 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Two Elderly Widows

    Ruth and Gilda, two elderly widows, are curious about the latest arrival in their neighborhood – a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

    Gilda says, “Ruth, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go talk to him at the park and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”

    Ruth agrees, and later that day at the park, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

    “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”

    “You’re kidding! What for?” asks Ruth, aghast.

    “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

    “What happened to your second wife?”

    “I shot her.”

    “And, if I may ask, your first wife?”

    “We had a fight and she fell off a building.”

    “Oh my,” says Ruth.

    Then turning to her friend at the other end of the park, she calls, “Yoohoo, Gilda! He’s single.”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  2. #2  
    Senior Member ArmyMedic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retread View Post
    Two Elderly Widows

    Ruth and Gilda, two elderly widows, are curious about the latest arrival in their neighborhood – a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

    Gilda says, “Ruth, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go talk to him at the park and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”

    Ruth agrees, and later that day at the park, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

    “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”

    “You’re kidding! What for?” asks Ruth, aghast.

    “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

    “What happened to your second wife?”

    “I shot her.”

    “And, if I may ask, your first wife?”

    “We had a fight and she fell off a building.”

    “Oh my,” says Ruth.

    Then turning to her friend at the other end of the park, she calls, “Yoohoo, Gilda! He’s single.”
    Good lord, that's like having Hillary in any part of our government.

    With friends who allegedly like you, like that. The last thing 1 needs are any enemies who really hate ya.
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  3. #3  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Glasses

    I told my wife she was more attractive when she didn't wear glasses.

    She smiled and said "So are you".

    "But sweetheart", I said, "I don't wear glasses".

    She smiled again and said, "Think about it".
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  4. #4  
    Drive-by Poster ABC's Avatar
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    Retread ...

    Please come up with one re a wife whose husband watches sports on tv, is beginning to lose his hearing, and refuses to get a hearing aid ...

    Purchases a blinking sound bar to make up for it ...

    And and she, the wife, can still hear it from 2 rooms away, without wanting to throttle him!

    Thanks!

    STILL DEPLORABLE no matter what faux speed bumps ...

    Dems, Libs, & Looney Leftists keep trying to put in Trump's path.

    MAGA Donald!!!

    American By Choice ~ 1980
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  5. #5  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Saw A Guy At Starbucks

    Saw a guy at Starbucks today with no smart phone, no tablet, no laptop.

    He just sat there drinking coffee

    …like some kind of psychopath.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  6. #6  
    Drive-by Poster ABC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retread View Post
    Saw A Guy At Starbucks

    Saw a guy at Starbucks today with no smart phone, no tablet, no laptop.

    He just sat there drinking coffee

    …like some kind of psychopath.
    Ha! Ha!

    We have an "Ingles" grocery store up here in the North Ga. mountains (much like "Publix" in Florida,) where it also has a Starbucks section ...

    And I am tempted to laugh at the folks that ARE busy tapping away on their devices ...

    While paying the ridiculous prices for the so-so coffee and lattes, simply for the privilege of doing so!

    STILL DEPLORABLE no matter what faux speed bumps ...

    Dems, Libs, & Looney Leftists keep trying to put in Trump's path.

    MAGA Donald!!!

    American By Choice ~ 1980
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  7. #7  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Like a God!!

    My wife treats me like a God!!

    She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  8. #8  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Get Well Soon

    A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed Appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

    However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his groin area.

    Worried that it might be a second surgery that the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

    It didn’t take long to discover the cause for his discomfort. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.

    Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon from the nurse in the 2013 Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  9. #9  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Talking In The Pub

    There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

    After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

    "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

    The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

    The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  10. #10  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    One evening in a bar

    A lovely young lady walks into a bar. Suddenly she hears, “You’ve got great hair.” She turns around to see who said that, but the bar is empty. Then she hears, “I really love that dress you’re wearing.” Again, she can’t find where the voice is coming from. Then, “You have the prettiest eyes.” Same thing, the bar is empty. She’s the only customer.

    Finally, she calls over the bartender. “Somebody is saying very nice things about me, but I can’t find who it is.”

    The bartender says, “Oh, it’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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