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  1. #11  
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    Minister, Priest And A Rabbi Go Skinny-Dipping

    A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

    Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

    After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

    The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  2. #12  
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    Facebook Vs Bar

    I log into Facebook and see that everyone is at the bar...

    So I go to the bar and see that everyone is on Facebook.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  3. #13  
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    Chicken Testing

    The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

    The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired.

    The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.

    The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  4. #14  
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    City Girl Visiting The Farm

    A city girl driving through the country stop to admire some cattle in a pasture. When the farmer approached she asked, "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

    The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.

    Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

    Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  5. #15  
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    Praise The Lord...

    An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

    Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

    Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

    The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

    The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

    The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  6. #16  
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    A Very Sad Passing That Cooks Everywhere Will Mourn

    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

    Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

    Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was considered a roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play-Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  7. #17  
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    What’s An Echo?

    Son: ''Dad, What’s an echo?''

    Father: ''An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word.''
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  8. #18  
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    Sleeping With Mom

    Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I entered my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children, apparently scared by the loud storm, in bed with my wife, Karen. That night I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom.

    The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

    After my next trip, Karen and the children picked me up in the airport terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

    As I waved back, I said excitedly, "What is the good news?"

    "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" my son shouted.

    The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area for his Mom.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  9. #19  
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    What Is Wrong With Me?

    A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

    When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

    "Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

    "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  10. #20  
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    At Camp

    Several friends were at camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

    They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

    He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

    They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

    He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

    They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

    He sat up and watched me all night long."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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