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  1. #21  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Blond And Fish

    A blond goes to the vet with her goldfish.

    “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.

    The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.

    The blond says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  2. #22  
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    Beggars And Choosers

    Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

    Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

    The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

    "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

    Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  3. #23  
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    If Only Life Were Like A Computer

    You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

    ou could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

    You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

    You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

    You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

    To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

    If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  4. #24  
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    Set It Free.

    If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

    But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

    You either married it or gave birth to it.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  5. #25  
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    Wife Returns Home Late

    A wife returns home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  6. #26  
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    The Difference Explained

    Wife's Diary:
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.

    Husband's Diary:
    Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  7. #27  
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    Weaker Sex

    Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

    Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel and I gave him his choice of weapons."

    Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair.

    I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  8. #28  
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    Husband A Photo Of Himself

    Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wifes purse

    Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  9. #29  
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    A Woman In Panic

    A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

    "Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"

    "Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  10. #30  
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    A Horse Walks Into A Bar...

    The bartender says, "Hey."

    The horse says, "Sure."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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