Thread: New angles

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  1. #1 New angles 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Where Do You Want To Go?

    A pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

    "Heaven!" they all piped up.

    "And what do you have to do to get there?"

    They said, "Be dead!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  2. #2  
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    Way Out West

    The sheriff of a small lawless town way out west walks into the saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

    "What's he look like?" asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

    "Well," the sheriff answers, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

    "So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

    "Rustlin'," replies the sheriff.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  3. #3  
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    The Tooth Fairy

    A little girl sat on her bed crying, She had lost her last baby tooth the day before & when she looked under her pillow in the morning, she discovered that the Tooth Fairy had not left her any tooth money.
    Her mother said "You're a big girl now & you don't believe in tooth fairies, do you?"

    "No", she said - but I still believe in money."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  4. #4  
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    Turnabout Is Fair Play...

    Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

    Proctor: I beg your pardon?

    Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

    Proctor: Sorry, no.

    Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

    At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

    "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

    Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

    Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  5. #5  
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    The Engineer and the management

    A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

    An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

    The manager turns to the others and says isn't that just like an engineer - ask for him for the height and he gives you the length
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  6. #6  
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    UFO's And Blond Cashiers

    A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

    "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

    "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

    "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

    "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

    "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

    "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

    "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

    The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means ...'Unleaded Fuel Only"..
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  7. #7  
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    Women 1

    I went to see a therapist and I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

    He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

    I said, "No."

    He said, "You're a woman."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  8. #8  
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    Women 2

    My girlfriend said to me the other day ,"Why did God give women cramp pains , and men nothing !!"

    I laughed and replied , " Don't be silly , he gave us women."

    That's when the argument started.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  9. #9  
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    First Braille Horror Story

    Started reading my first Braille horror story.

    I think that something scary is about to happen.

    I can feel it.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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