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  1. #51  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    The Honest Golfer

    An Old Golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
    When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
    The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
    The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
    "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
    The golfer replied, "No."
    The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
    "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
    Again, the golfer replied, "No."
    The Lord went down again and came up with an old iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
    The golfer replied, "Yes, that's it!"
    The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer won his tournament and went home happy.
    Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the lake.
    When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
    "Oh, Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"
    The Lord went into the water and reappeared with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
    "Yes," cried the golfer.
    The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
    The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve... so that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.

    And God was pleased.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  2. #52  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Walk With Me While I Age


    I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then, forwarding it will be worth the effort.


    Walk with me while I age - it's worth the read.




    A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER







    SHIT


    I forgot the words.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  3. #53  
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    German speaking population

    In Alberta there is a town called Bruderheim, where there is a large German-speaking population.

    One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

    The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

    (This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.")

    The man shouted back: "I'm from Montreal and just down here campaigning for Trudeau. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

    The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  4. #54  
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    The infamous zipper caper

    In crowded Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

    Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

    For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  5. #55  
    Senior Member Tecate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retread View Post
    German speaking population

    In Alberta there is a town called Bruderheim, where there is a large German-speaking population.

    One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

    The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

    (This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.")

    The man shouted back: "I'm from Montreal and just down here campaigning for Trudeau. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

    The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
    I took two years of German in high school and that is freaking hilarious!
    It’s not a civil war until both sides show up.
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  6. #56  
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    Active service

    A little girl named Sarah was at church one Sunday, bored by a long-winded sermon. Her attention drifting, she noticed American flags hanging on the wall with gold plaques underneath each of them.

    “Grandma, what are those flags there for?” Baker quoted her asking.

    “Why, Sarah, those flags commemorate those who died in service.”

    “Oh, really? The 9 o’clock service or the 11 o’clock service?”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  7. #57  
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    Spaghetti

    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
    One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
    To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.
    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    'Honey’, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
    'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
    On the card was written:


    Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
    Two with meatballs, one without.
    Send extra sauce
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  8. #58  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    For the teachers

    MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.


    SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


    COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?


    UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


    THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL


    'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.


    'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED


    HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.. WHY DO YOU ASK?


    'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.


    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


    THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..


    WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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