Thread: New angles

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  1. #31  
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    The Blonde Joke

    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

    'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

    Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

    Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

    'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  2. #32  
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    Another Engineer story

    Two engineering students met on campus one day. The first says "That's a really nice bike you have. Where did you get it?" His friend replies "The other day, this pretty girl rode up to me, dropped the bike, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want'"

    The first engineer says "Yeah - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  3. #33  
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    Friends

    Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
    At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch."Where you wanna go?"
    "Hooters."
    "Why Hooters?"
    "They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
    "You're on."
    At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
    "Where you wanna go for lunch?"
    "Hooters."
    "Again? Why?"
    "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
    "OK."
    At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
    "Hooters.
    "Why?"
    "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
    "OK."
    At age 62 they meet again.
    After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
    "Hooters."
    "Why?"
    "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
    "Good choice"
    At age 72 they meet again.
    Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
    "Hooters."
    "Why?"
    "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
    "Great choice."
    At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
    "Hooters."
    "Why?"
    "Because we've never been there before."
    "Okay.”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  4. #34  
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    Shifting sands

    A group of scientists have just completed a study of the long lack of California earthquakes.



    They have concluded it’s nobody’s fault.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  5. #35  
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    Life is a mystery

    But I have the answer. It’s the combination to the safe....

    that’s on a piece of paper locked inside the safe.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  6. #36  
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    Well, isn't that nice?

    Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

    The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school.""Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

    "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  7. #37  
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    Golfer in the rough
    (oldie but .....)


    A guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. It goes into the woods.
    He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head, and the ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
    The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad you are okay,and walks away. Well, he was a nice guy. so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
    A year goes past and the same golfer is out on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the woods and goes looking for his ball.
    He sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
    How is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.
    "How is your sex life? The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
    "Once or twice a week?!"
    The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him.Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  8. #38 The Pope’s Surprise 
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    Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
    St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
    "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

    St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
    Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
    They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  9. #39  
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    The New Priest & His First Mass

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
    “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
    So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


    Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
    When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
    When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
    The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
    The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  10. #40 Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? 
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    This was going around when I was in collitch mumblty years ago. Loved it then and now.

    The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry midterm exam. One student gave such a "profound" answer that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
    The official test concluded with a Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Answer:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Therefore, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

    If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year," ... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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