Thread: New angles

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  1. #11  
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    Offend Everybody

    The engineering major asks, “How does that work?”

    The science major asks, “Why does that work?”

    The business major asks, “How much will that cost?”

    The liberal arts major asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  2. #12  
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    Getting Old

    The best thing for you to do at your age is give up sex and alcohol."
    Old man: "I don't deserve the best. What's the next best?"

    Old man: "I feel just like a newborn baby - no hair , no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

    Two old ladies in church. One whispers: "I think my butt is falling asleep." The other says: "I know. I've heard it snore three times already."

    Did you hear about the old lady who entered a contest for most prominent veins? She didn't win, but she came varicose.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  3. #13  
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    Hospital Stay

    A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

    He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

    The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    “No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

    This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

    She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

    “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

    After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  4. #14  
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    Common sense

    My cousin went to the liquor store yesterday on his bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bike’s basket. As hewas about to leave, he thought: “If I fall off the bike, the bottle could break.” So he drank all the Jack Daniels before he pedaled home. It turned out to be a very good decision because he fell off his bicycle seven times on the way.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  5. #15  
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    A Cargo Airplane Transporting Mental Patients

    A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

    The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

    The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns in the cabin.

    Half an hour later, the plane is quiet. The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.

    The copilot replies: "I told them: soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  6. #16  
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    A Lonely Frog

    A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

    His Personal Psychic Adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

    "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  7. #17  
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    High School 55 Year Reunion

    He was a widower and she a widow.

    They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
    This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
    They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
    The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
    Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
    After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
    "Yes..... yes I will!"
    The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
    Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
    He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
    He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
    First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

    "Why, you silly man! I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

    The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

    Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  8. #18  
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    A Real Man

    A real man is a woman's best friend.

    He will never stand her up and never let her down.

    He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

    He will inspire her to do things she never Thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

    He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.

    He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, Seductive, and invincible.

    No wait... I'm thinking of wine.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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  9. #19  
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    Male Or Female

    ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

    SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

    COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. But, it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.

    TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

    HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

    HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

    HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

    REMOTE CONTROL - female... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes. Gandhi
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