1. The programmer

His wife sent him to the grocers. She told him to get milk and if they had eggs, get a dozen.

He came home with twelve gallons of milk.

2. C C C C Changes

A woman had a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £5,000 & looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

'Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ she says happily.

A little later she goes to McDonald’s & asks the girl the same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now feeling happy She stops at a sweet shop.

She buys some mints & asks the man the same burning question.

He says, ‘ I’d say 30.’

‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

Waiting for the bus she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, ‘I’m 78 & my eyesight is going. I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

He runs his hands over her face & gets her to jump up & down, then tells her she is 50 exactly.

Stunned the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

3. Critical path analysis

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

HE SAID, "OK. "

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

4. A Short History Of Medicine:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

5. A good lemon

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing \$1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the \$1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the IRS."

6. Little Johnny And The Waterhole

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.

He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.

Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

7. World's best HR joke

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

8.

9. Alternative views

The optimist says his glass is half full.

The pessimist says his glass is half empty.

My glass has a bug in it.

10. Life in the old lane

My new iPad has a Retina display, a 3 day battery and it’s faster and brighter.

While I’m getting older, slower, duller and in need of constant recharging

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