Now that Barack Obama has won the presidency after a long and divisive campaign, it is time to start binding the country's wounds. Liberals like me have a duty to "reach out" to the other side
.
.
Gentlemen, stop worrying. Things will be fine. I'd like to respectfully and sensitively address your concerns, one at a time.
.
.
Intellectual arrogance. During the campaign, much was made of Barack Obama's alleged disrespect for regular Americans
.
Plain, ordinary, hardworking Americans will be allowed to keep their jobs once they have passed basic competency exams in wine discrimination, interpretive literature and general cultural sophistication. To ensure fairness, these tests will be administered by panels of highly qualified, Ivy League professors in bow ties.
.
Coddling terrorists. The president-elect's admitted association with a former leader of the radical Weather Underground, as well as the unfounded myth that he is a Muslim, has led to the unfortunate perception among many of you that he will be soft on Middle Eastern evildoers who want to destroy America. He will not. In the interests of global harmony, however, he will support the seating of al-Qaida as a voting member of the U.N. Security Council, though our delegate will be required to scowl at their delegate at all times.
.
Lefties on the Supreme Court. Nothing to worry about here. With Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito still alive and well, the court will probably remain reliably conservative for some time, despite the additions of justices Ayers, Franken, Chomsky and Farrakhan.
.
Socialism. No single issue dominated discourse more during the final weeks of the campaign than the fear that Obama wants to, in his words, "share the wealth." Irrationally, this was interpreted as espousing socialism.
That is nonsense, and you should put it out of your mind. Socialism is a very broad term that encompasses various economic systems, including many that incorporate democratic ideals.
What Obama was espousing was "communism."
