How to Raise a Healthy Child

...Moving on here, I am now ready to give you the most important piece of advice of all — that vital piece of info that you won’t hear from anyone else but me.

DO NOT RAISE YOUR CHILDREN IN BERKELEY. Ditto for Oakland, Emeryville, El Cerrito, San Francisco, Albany, Richmond, etc. etc.

There is no exception to this rule. I don’t care if you come to Berkeley and “fall in love” with the place. Please know that you are not in love: you are having serious mental health problems and need to get yourself to a psychiatrist asap...

While raising children here is not technically child abuse, frankly, I think it is. To subject sweet, innocent children to the tough, rough streets around here would be bad enough.

But then there are the schools. Even the supposedly “good ones” are really bad. The test scores around here are some of the lowest in the country, making small towns in Mississippi look Mensa-like in comparison. (1)

But putting aside the sub-par schools, your children will be brutalized emotionally. Many of them will learn very quickly to hate themselves because of the color of their skin. I mean, how is that okay??

Likely they will adapt, and become full of self-hate. They’ll start doing self-destructive things.

They’ll get tattoos all over their bodies and get septum piercings that make them look like Nellie, the cow. Many will get involved in injurious sexual practices, and perhaps even decide that “she” is actually a “he.”

Meanwhile, since you are now a full-fledged member of the Berkeley luny bin, you will celebrate your child’s “freedom,” instead of rushing as fast as humanely possible to the nearest psych ward. Before too long, your sweet, adorable little offspring will be a hardened, Berkeley freaky radical.

Dearly Beloved Readers: Does that sound healthy to you?