#9."Wanted (Dead or Alive)" by Bon Jovi
This song was written in that small window of the '80s when a blue collar steelworker from New Jersey with a terminal case of hockey hair could write songs about being a cowboy and be taken seriously. It was a very small window; it really only encased this one song. When he tried to repeat its success with "Blaze of Glory," the whole thing became laughable (when Bon Jovi insists that he is a "Colt in your stable," a lyric which may be the most unintentionally gay thing anybody ever said, ever, throughout time).
Still, in "Wanted" when he throws up his fist and says he's seen a million faces and rocked them all, we believe him. We want to spend the rest of our lives rocking faces.
The Only Way It Could Be Better:
The song is a bipolar narrative, with Bon Jovi emotionally wandering from the depths of the deepest stone-washed denim blues to the highest peak of cock-rocker euphoria. One minute he's lamenting "Sometimes you tell the day/By the bottle that you drink/And times when you're all alone all you do is think." Then almost immediately extolling that he’s rocked all those aforementioned faces.
Incidentally, if you have had your face rocked at any point by Bon Jovi, please seek prompt medical attention. It is highly probable you have contracted something doctors are referring to as "super-chlamydia."
Best Things to Do While Listening:
This is a song best suited for strapping on a six-shooter or saddling up a motorcycle. Anything, really, that one could conceivably do to let others know that you have a large penis and are not afraid to use it.