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  1. #1 Washington Free Beacon Obtains Employee Manual for Klobuchar Presidential Campaign 
    Senior Member Banacek's Avatar
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    Mar 2016
    Peoples Republic of Connecticut
    BuzzFeed, Huffington Post, and Yahoo News are among the outlets that have reported in the past week that Democratic Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar is something of a nightmare boss. These stories depict Klobuchar as "intolerably cruel," who subjects her staff to "bouts of explosive rage and regular humiliation." On one occasion, a staffer was """"accidentally"""" hit in the face with a binder thrown by Klobuchar.

    Now anonymous sources have provided the Washington Free Beacon with what they claim is the employee manual for the 2020 Klobuchar presidential campaign. We cannot confirm its authenticity, but it rings true. Here it is, in full:

    •When Amy comes into the office, she will request a black coffee. Amy believes that coffee naturally tastes sugary, so you should add half a packet of sugar anyway. She will tell if it's Splenda.
    •There is a poncho and goggles on the coatrack outside Amy's office. Wear them when delivering the coffee.
    •Amy will require you to taste the coffee before she drinks it. Your lips are not to touch the lid. This tends to mean scalding, so it's recommended you suck on ice each morning to numb your throat and tongue.
    •Amy will occasionally claim that she has kidnapped your family and will harm them if she does not get her coffee within a time limit. This is almost never true.

    •When entering Amy's office, you are required to give three reverences. First, when entering the room, you must give a deep bow, from the waist. Walk slowly to the middle of the room, and give a second deep bow. Finally, deep bow directly in front of her, and then back up slowly. At no point should your back face Amy.
    •Do not make eye contact with Amy.
    •If you accidentally make eye contact, gaze immediately at the floor and give a wide smile. Amy views the showing of teeth as a sign of submission.
    •You are never to touch Amy's personage.
    •Amy will sometimes summon a comely male intern to her office, ask if her skin looks smooth, and invite him to touch her hand. This is a test. Do not touch her.
    •You are never to speak to Amy unless first spoken to.
    •Sometimes Amy will make remarks to no one in particular such as "Will it rain today?" or "I wonder who won the game last night?" This is also a test. Do not respond to anything but direct questions.
    •You are to refer to her only as "Senator." She will sometimes request you call her "Amy," but will typically forget by the next day.
    •Amy has a boatswain's whistle that she will use to call you rather than using your name. Listen carefully and learn your signal.
    Unknown philosopher at a St. Patrick's Day celebration 1967

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  2. #2  
    Festivus Moderator ralph wiggum's Avatar
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    Apr 2004
    Springfield, USA
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  3. #3  
    Senior Member Angry Old White Man's Avatar
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    Jan 2017
    Swamps of Southern La
    Never heard of her
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