Actual article from the LA Times
> "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I
> was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told
> bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City
> Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew
> "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment
> after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
> "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
> Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted
> out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to
> retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
> into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
> attract him."
> At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
> what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
> gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's
> hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's
> fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas
> further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannon
> ball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
> nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first
> and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
> TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
> 10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
> 9) "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like
> looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
> stare at the sun.)
> 8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem)
> being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel
> on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
> 7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
> someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the
> said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into
> Kiki's "tunnel of love."
> 6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
> their rectums.
> 5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
> doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
> would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal
> sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
> lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned,
> but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc.,
> like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
> cardboard tube..."
> 4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make
> the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief.
> How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like
> this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most
> horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
> 3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
> "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
> 2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
> 1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
> Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.