God Demands America Remove 'In God We Trust' From Currency

WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources within the federal government, God has filed a petition demanding the United States remove the phrase "In God We Trust" from all of its currency.

Sources confirm the petition lists several reasons for the request, including American culture’s rejection of Biblical values, abandoning prayer in schools, killing 60,000,000 babies, and the rise of the Kardashians. God's lawyers suggested several other fitting phrases, such as "In Self We Trust," "In American Empire We Trust," and "In Money We Trust."

...At publishing time, atheists across the country were withdrawing their petitions for the same demand when they realized they actually agreed with God about something.