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  1. #1 The Best of the Babylon Bee! 
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    This is a standing thread for the best Babylon Bee posts. Just for laughs....
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    Trump Authorizes Nuking California To Prevent Future Earthquakes
    https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-au...re-earthquakes

    WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a cabinet meeting this week, President Trump proposed a bold new strategy for protecting Americans from future earthquakes: Nuke California.

    California has long been known for being home to highly unstable areas, such as the San Andreas Fault and UC Berkeley. Over the years, incredibly devastating earthquakes have laid waste to entire neighborhoods in Southern California, brought down bridges in Central California, and ruined a couple of games of Jenga in Northern California.

    “I know lots of people in Los Angeles, in the movies. They love me over there! They won’t admit it, but they do! They really do!” Trump declared during a recent rally, “But the earthquakes, they’re a problem --a huge problem. Nobody’s ever done anything about it! Been a state for 300 years and nobody’s done a thing! So I’m thinking: They’ve got some earthquakes. We’ve got some nukes. Just a bunch of nukes laying around --more than anybody else in the world! I can tell you, nobody else even comes close! So what am I gonna do? I’m gonna bomb the [expletive] out of ‘em! That’s what I’m going to do!”

    Despite the enthusiastic applause at the rally, several critics were quick to voice concerns.

    “Trump needs to stop the shenanigans and stick to bombing people in third-world countries, like Obama and every other president in modern history!” CNN host Jim Acosta declared.

    California Governor Gavin Newsom laughed off the idea, stating instead that he could easily get the earthquakes to leave the state if he simply taxed them enough. “Worked on everyone else!” he said.

    At publishing time, several nuclear bombs were tentatively scheduled to be dropped “probably in the next week or so.” Trump's approval rating has skyrocketed among non-Californians.
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    Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents


    BENTONVILLE, AR—

    In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

    According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

    "We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day," said a spokesperson for Walmart. "Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer."
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    Which came first? And are either one true?

    NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A Catholic school in Tennessee has removed the Harry Potter books from its library after the school’s priest decided they could cause a reader to conjure evil spirits.

    In an email obtained by The Tennessean, the Rev. Dan Reehil of Nashville’s St. Edward Catholic School said he consulted exorcists in the U.S. and Rome who recommended removing the books.

    Reehil wrote, “The curses and spells used in the books are actual curses and spells; which when read by a human being risk conjuring evil spirits into the presence of the person reading the text.”

    —————————-

    GOODVILLE, TN—In order to protect the students at St. Margaret Catholic School from deadly spells such as Avada Kedavra, Wingardium Leviosa, and Lumos, the school's faculty announced a ban on all concealed carry of Harry Potter books.

    "Listen, if you've got a concealed carry permit, that's fine," the Rev. Peter Mandolin said in a speech to students, "you're welcome to carry off school grounds. But when you come on campus, we need to make sure all students feel safe, and that means nobody has to fear that another kid is going to whip out a copy of Order of the Phoenix and read off some Satanic spell to harm you."
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    CNN Apologizes To Stalin, Mao After Comparing Them To Trump

    August 27th, 2019

    ATLANTA, GA—CNN has apologized to Stalin and Mao after a guest compared the brutal dictators to Donald Trump.

    "I am so sorry to all of Stalin and Mao's brave supporters," said Brian Stelter in an on-air apology Tuesday morning. "We never meant to associate these great men with Donald Trump. We did not intend to disparage communism in that way."

    "Sometimes, you really need to make the point that Trump is a totalitarian tyrant," said Stelter. "But dragging Stalin and Mao's names through the mud in the process is not the right way to go about that. There are good ways to criticize the president and bad ways, and we're sorry for the way this one came across."
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    'When I Am President, I Will Take Away Your Guns,' Says Man Who Will Never Be President

    Beto O'Rourke promised to take away everybody's guns when he is president, though sources have confirmed that O'Rourke will never even get close to being the president.

    "When I am president, I will take away your guns," said the man who is as close to the White House as he's ever going to be. "The first day I'm in the Oval Office, I will sign an executive order to buy back everybody's firearms. As I lean back in that Oval Office chair and put my feet up on my desk, I will rest easy knowing that I have done something to make our country a safe place from all violence."

    "Man, I can't wait to see how that presidential pen feels signing an unconstitutional executive order," he added wistfully, though he will never know how that feels.

    At publishing times, O'Rourke's pro-gun control comments had caused his number of supporters to get cut in half, leaving him with just one.
    https://babylonbee.com/news/i-will-t...r-be-president
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    CNN's 7-Hour Climate Change Town Hall Loses In Ratings To 'Baby Shark' Being Played 185 Times In A Row

    https://babylonbee.com/news/cnns-7-h...times-in-a-row

    CNN knew they were taking a risk devoting seven hours to Democratic presidential candidates talking about climate change, but the news channel thought that this issue -- getting a Democrat elected -- was important enough for the unusual programming decision. However, the special lost hugely in ratings to Nickelodeon, which also made an unusual decision to play the song “Baby Shark” 185 times in a row.

    “It was just stupid, repetitive nonsense for hours and hours,” said Shannon Terry, a concerned citizen who found herself watching TV that evening. “So eventually I just turned off the CNN townhall and listened to ‘Baby Shark’ over and over again. That song is catchy.”

    Many others seemed to agree with Terry, as the airing of presidential candidates making climate change-related campaign speeches was not considered by viewers to be as entertaining or informative as the singing of various phrases like “baby shark,” “mommy shark,” and “grandpa shark” over and over again.

    CNN did see a brief ratings spike when Pete Buttigieg started singing, “Climate change, doo doo doo doo doo doo!” getting CNN to its highest point of the night -- seven viewers -- though when Buttigieg started talking about carbon credits, the number of viewers plummeted back down to three.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retread View Post
    Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents


    BENTONVILLE, AR—

    In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

    According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

    "We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day," said a spokesperson for Walmart. "Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer."
    Heh heh heh......
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    Church Starts Support Group For Women Temporarily Widowed During Football Season
    https://babylonbee.com/news/church-k...-of-nfl-season

    CEDAR FALLS, IOWA—According to reports from within Cedar Falls Baptist Church, the weekly support group designed specifically for widows has opened its doors to all women throughout the football season.

    “We know the fall can be a difficult time for wives, fiancés, and girlfriends,” lead pastor Peyton Brady told reporters. “We want to create a space for women whose men disappear for 5 months into the black hole of NFL, college, and fantasy football.”

    While the church recognizes the grief suffered by actual widows is far worse, it hopes the group can also help women whose men become as good as dead until early February, due to their obsession with football.

    "When your husband needs just five more points from his wide receiver in a Monday night game, he might as well be dead," said Stacy Lindell in the first meeting of the group as the leader handed her a tissue. "I know I'll get over this, but the grieving process is hard." The other women nodded sympathetically, saying their husbands had been talking about someone named Anthony Brown all weekend. "It's like, sometimes I still hear his voice echoing around the house screaming about the Patriots, like he's still there watching over me."
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    House That Took Five Hours To Clean Destroyed By Kids In Fourteen Seconds

    CORONA, CA—According to sources close to the Manning residence, local mother Linda Manning spent over five hours cleaning her two-story home Monday. She painstakingly cleaned the kitchen, picked up toys all over the house, and found dishes and clothing in random spots all over the house.

    Finally, she declared the house to be completely spotless.

    But, sadly, her home was then completely destroyed by her three kids in a little under fourteen seconds.

    The children realized the home was clean and declared they wouldn't stand for it. "Not on our watch," said Calvin Manning, 4. "Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!" Working with the speed of the Looney Tunes' Tasmanian Devil, the Manning children charged through the house, doing their best to undo literally everything their mom had done for the entire day. They pillaged and plundered like a horde of Dothraki warriors, pulling toys off shelves, throwing suspicious substances on every possible surface, and pouring a bunch of half-cups of juice and leaving them all over the house.

    At publishing time, Manning was starting the process all over again.

    https://babylonbee.com/news/house-th...urteen-seconds

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