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  1. #11  
    Festivus Moderator ralph wiggum's Avatar
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    https://babylonbee.com/news/hillary-...fortune-puzzle

    Missed It By That Much: Hillary Clinton Almost Wins 'Wheel Of Fortune' But Then Shouts 'Easter Worshiper' Instead Of 'Christian'

    On a special politicians' episode of*Wheel of Fortune, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton nearly took home the grand prize. She was on the last puzzle of the regular rounds of the game, which read, CHRISTI_N. The audience began to cheer as it appeared Clinton had finally won something.

    But, as is usual for Clinton, she snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and shouted "Easter worshiper!" instead of the obvious answer, which was "Christian."

    Heartbreaker!

    Clinton has demanded an appeal, claiming that although she lost fair and square, she feels like she won, as Christians are kinda Easter worshipers, even though no one ever says that.
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  2. #12 New Radar System Alerts Politicians When People Are Enjoying Something So They Can Ba 
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    New Radar System Alerts Politicians When People Are Enjoying Something So They Can Ban It
    https://babylonbee.com/news/politici...at-to-ban-next

    WASHINGTON, D.C.—Politicians in Washington have developed a radar that detects when people are enjoying something so they can figure out what will be the target of their next ban.

    The advanced fun detection system has already found hundreds of new things that politicians in Washington weren't aware people were enjoying. Every day, the lawmakers and executives are provided with a list of fun stuff people are doing and then immediately get to work on stopping this fun.

    "Welp, looks like it's vapes today," said one advisor in the White House as he checked the charts. "People are having a lot of fun with them. A very small percentage of people are dying of them. So, we've got to ban them."

    "Also they look stupid."

    Radar reports people have been enjoying drones, fireworks, video games, plastic straws, saturated fats, milk, rain water, hunting rifles, free speech, the Second Amendment, plastic bags, and feeding homeless people. These and many other dangerous freedoms were quickly targeted by lawmakers.

    "It's amazing when I look at this printout every morning and notice how much freedom there still is out there despite our best efforts," said one congressman. "There is much work to be done."
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  3. #13  
    Festivus Moderator ralph wiggum's Avatar
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    https://babylonbee.com/news/liberals...ocratic-racism

    Liberals clarify their racism is actually Democratic Racism

    Liberals seem to have a problem as more*Justin Trudeau blackface photos have*surfaced. Meanwhile, Democratic politicians in America continue to say anti-semitic things.

    In their defense, liberals have come out to clarify that their racism isn't the destructive kind condemned by most of humanity, but rather, it's a new improved form called "democratic racism."

    "It's not racism---it's*democratic*racism," Justin Trudeau assured supporters as 78 new images surfaced of him in various shades of brown makeup. "It's totally different from regular racism, and to imply that our racism is the same as the bad kind of racism is ignorant."

    To separate the new democratic racism from old, boring racism, liberals pointed out that their form is very popular, and that their base is willing to defend their racist actions and comments. "See, they voted for us, and no matter what crazy racist comments we make, they'll vote for us again," said Ilhan Omar. "Where regular racism is condemned by all, democratic racism is voted for by our supporters. So it's, like, democratic."

    "Also, white men are bad."
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  4. #14  
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    Forgiveness Added To Database Of Racist Gestures

    Forgiveness and hugs are*among the 36 new entries recently added to a database of hateful gestures*used by white supremacists and other far-right extremists.

    According to the Anti-Defamation League, forgiveness became obviously racist after Brandt Jean forgave and embraced his brother's killer, ex-police officer Andrea Guyger, prompting millions of white people to say things like, "this is beautiful" and other racially charged slurs. "While we do not think Brandt intended to use the racist gesture, it is obvious now that this was white supremacy at work. The KKK is known for their forgiveness and long, warm hugs," said Mosen Hemlock of the ADL.

    The judge in the case, Tammy Kemp, also embraced Guyger, then handed the white woman her personal Bible. Investigators later realized that this book is full of racist gestures of forgiveness, and even some hugs. Judge Kemp is now being investigated for her heinous actions.*
    https://babylonbee.com/news/forgiven...acist-gestures
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  5. #15 Trump Vows To Cut Foreign Aid To California 
    Senior Member enslaved1's Avatar
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    Babylon Bee gets stickied, then dies off.


    https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-vo...-to-california

    WASHINGTON, D.C.—There’s more bad news for California, as the failed state is struggling to even keep the lights on, and now President Trump has announced cutting off all foreign aid to California. “American money should go to Americans,” Trump told the press. “Not a bunch of Californians who will probably just spend the money on bongs and paper straws.”

    Many have denounced this move by Trump as “cruel,” as the state is unlikely to last long without outside help, but Trump has promoted cutting off aid as “cruel” since he “hates Californians” and will laugh when “bad things happen to them.”

    Though this means no money for California for now, Trump has earmarked some money for California to help any pro-democracy movement within the state. So far none has emerged.
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  6. #16 Police Keep Antifa Away From Columbus Statues By Taping Job Applications Onto Them 
    Senior Member enslaved1's Avatar
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    https://babylonbee.com/news/police-k...lications-onto

    U.S.—Antifa factions nationwide had planned a “deface Columbus day,” on which they intended to deface and destroy statues of Christopher Columbus Monday, but authorities in many cities got the better of the radical far-left groups with a brilliant idea: by adhering legitimate job applications all over their local Columbus statues, they virtually guaranteed that Antifa groups would not approach them.

    “It’s working extremely well so far. These Antifa thugs won’t go anywhere near an opportunity for gainful employment,” Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters. “We urge other American cities: if you want to protect your statues of Columbus, just head to the nearest McDonald’s or Walmart and ask for a stack of job applications. Get some tape and stick them all over the statue, and you can pretty much just go about your day at that point.”

    “Job applications are Antifa’s kryptonite,” he added.

    At publishing time, Beck confirmed that “Help Wanted” signs, American flags, gendered bathroom signs, and notes from their mothers informing them that it’s time to grow up and get their own place should have a similar paralyzing effect on the ruthless Antifa mobs.

    I don't think this one's really satire, someone shout try it.
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