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  1. #1 Now I need a new laptop 
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.

    At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.

    As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

    They walk up to God and ask to be married.


    "Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."

    Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

    A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

    God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  2. #2  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    A fisherman and his wife have two children.

    But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away.

    So they decide to name their kids Towards and Away, and as the kids grew up, they always still faced towards and away from the sea when they’re not doing anything.

    Now when they hit thirteen, their dad decides it’s about time they learned the family business, so they packed food and water and went out to sea on their boat.

    After about three hours, the fisherman’s wife starts to get worried, as they should’ve been back by now. “They probably just found a good spot, and are reluctant to leave,” she says to herself. But for the NEXT three hours she starts to panic.

    Eventually, the boat came back, but it only held the fisherman. He was sobbing, and when he reached her, he told her what happened.

    “We got caught in a storm, and as the boat tipped, a huge fish leaped out of the water. Towards was so scared he ended up falling out.” The fisherman’s wife was in tears at hearing the loss of her son. “That must’ve been a huge fish.”

    The fisherman nodded. “You should’ve seen the one that got Away!”
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
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  3. #3  
    Ancient Fire Breather Retread's Avatar
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    Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school.

    Liam looked at Noah. "So, man, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

    "Not really," Noah replied, "how about you?"

    "Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night. His house is UNBELIEVABLE. Do you know they have toilet bowls made of pure gold?? You wouldn't believe it!"

    "No way dude, that's impossible. His parents are well off but I don't remember them being THAT rich."

    "Come with me and see for yourself if you don't believe me"

    Later that day, both Liam and Noah went to Joe's house.

    Noah rang the doorbell and Joe's mom opens the door.

    Noah quickly asks, "My friend came to Joe's party last night and claimed that you have toilet bowls made of gold, is that really true?"

    She stands there for a while frowning at them, then turns and yells back into the house.

    "Alfred, the scumbag that crapped in your tuba is here!"
    It's not how old you are, it's how you got here.
    It's been a long road and not all of it was paved.
    . If you ain't havin' fun, it's your own damn fault
    Reply With Quote  
     

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